Category: Marriage Blog

As a young mom I attended a regular women’s Bible study and really enjoyed it at first.

I recommended it to every stay-at-home mom I knew. It was nice to come to a place where my children were cared for while I had uninterrupted time to talk with other women, listen to a Christian speaker, do crafts, and eat. I have no doubt that this is the way the study group was started and should have been run. But after the birth of my second son, some things started bothering me. Some of the comments that went over my head before, were suddenly starting to get to me:

“I can’t WAIT until Jordan starts preschool – he’s driving me crazy!”…”I deserve my own free time – with all that I do for my family”…”My husband is getting a vasectomy for Christmas” …” I am so done having kids.”

A few years later I mentioned that I was carrying twins and then it was “Glad it’s you, not me!”… “You’re finished now, right?”… “You want more? You won’t be saying that after your twins are born!” It would have been one thing if this attitude only came from the non-Christian newcomers who wouldn’t know better, but when it was the churchgoers, the leaders and the speakers saying this, I decided my time was better spent elsewhere.

Sometimes you just need to be bold enough to make a break from some female gatherings that are in the end just excuses to whine and complain.

In a perfect world, your friends, family members and even your physician would be cheering you on in this particular pursuit of godliness, of being open to life, but that will more than likely not happen.

Peer pressure doesn’t only exist for young people.

But this time the stakes are higher. Are family members voicing their opinions about you either having a baby too soon after you’re married, spacing your children too closely together, or deciding to have more than the national average of less than 2 children? Or, if you’re further along than that with more children, the comments like: “you have your hands full”, “you must be rich to have all those kids”, or “do you ever get time to yourself?” are starting to get old and tiresome to hear and you’re tired of being the odd-one-out.

Here are some things I recommend:

Limit who you talk to about your family size, birth control, or anything related to your immediate family that will stress you out. Limit the amount of time you spend with friends who live the contraceptive/sterilization lifestyle (you will know them by their words and deeds, especially in the way they treat their offspring). It was difficult to pinpoint the reason we felt so out of place at the time, but now that I know so many other “open to life” couples, the differences are staggering – and refreshing.

Find couples and families whose lives are correctly prioritized. When you have a child-rearing question or just want a listening ear, these are the people to whom you should be confiding. I was amazed to find that by limiting the topics of conversations related to children with those who didn’t get it, the amount of unnecessary tension I had been feeling was greatly reduced.

You need to be wise enough to discern the difference between a wise counselor and just another person with an opinion.

We make it a point to actively pursue wisdom from God, and He has yet to let us down.

I know as teens we were taught to “visualize where you should be in five years,” but that’s difficult to project in the areas of character when you are still growing in wisdom, as you should be.

My recommendation: Don’t try to figure out the WHOLE future with the wisdom that you have today or you could overwhelm yourself.

Trust God that He will give you the tools you need at the time you need them to deal with life’s challenges. That’s why some of those pre-marriage counseling books can be depressing. They assume there is no active role of the Holy Spirit in maturing you through marriage.

For us, happiness snuck up on us when we weren’t trying to exploit it at all costs; it just happened as a result of continually trying to do the right thing. In the eyes of the world, as well as many Christians, we probably looked foolish – having a baby before “the right job”, not having the finances to fit in another pregnancy, etc. But with the birth of each child, God has provided a response to our physical needs and desires. God has given us ideas and ways to slash our spending of what we thought was necessary and He has surprised us by giving us more contentment and joy in other areas that we would not have predicted… and several times has even provided for us through a better job or pay raise. “… the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight” (I Cor. 3:19).

Open to Life? Or Overtaken by the Contraceptive Mentality?

Many people are afraid that they would have to sacrifice something in their current lifestyle in order to have more children. To be honest, there often is a change in one’s lifestyle – for the better. Actually, I would call it a change in one’s priorities.

Suddenly, when your perception changes, the extra stuff that was once seemed necessary becomes a nuisance – including the nights out, the extra car payments, the weekends filled with building on or remodeling the house, and so on. All these things are absolutely not wrong by themselves, but they do take on more meaning when done with, or for, your family, not in replacement of the family.

Are you replacing the children you could have had for extra vacations and an RV at retirement?

“MOTH” by Steve & Teri Maxwell.

Something that has helped us tremendously in the day-to-day routine of raising kids is to have our family on a schedule.

We now have more time during the day, get more done, have time to rest, and I don’t have to “think” about what my kids should do from hour to hour. Books on scheduling are plentiful but what I found most helpful is one written by Steven and Teri Maxwell called Managers Of Their Home (a.k.a. MOTH). In it, the Maxwells give practical advice and take the reader step by step through implementing a schedule that works for them.

What gives the book most credibility is the fact that the authors are raising a large family of their own, and have included stories and examples from other moms of large families. Even if you don’t consider yourself a person with natural organization skills, this book is for you.

“Raising Godly Tomatoes” by Elizabeth Krueger

Most current secular advice does not do a good job of giving guidance to frazzled moms on how to discipline their children.

And don’t wait until the child is grown up and out of control before issuing a consequence – sometimes it’s the attitude that needs adjusting before it even turns into bad behavior.

And don’t be afraid to spank when it deems necessary. There is a difference between spanking and child beating, contrary to what popular culture thinks. You do have the mental capacity to figure out the difference, so use your common sense.

And whatever you do, be consistent! For some practical tips on how to get started, see www.RaisingGodlyTomatoes.com

“Clutter’s Last Stand” by Don Aslett.

Many other books on the same subject have come out in print, but this still has be the standard by which all other decluttering books are measured.

One application of Decluttering:

Get rid of all your children’s junk toys. Because of that principle, in the beginning of our decluttering phase, we aggressively donated or tossed all toys that weren’t Lego, transportation toys or animal toys. We’ved dubbed our guest room “The Lego Room” because that’s where the toys are, and 90% of our toys are Legos.

You will be amazed at how much more peaceful and organized your home will seem!

Sometimes moms can be so overwhelmed when first having small children that it’s difficult to see past the dirty diapers, broken toys and messy faces.

I have three practical recommendations:

1. declutter your house
2. make sure your form of discipline is solid
3. write out a sensible schedule.

Jonathan and I make it a point to have our children with us in the main church service the entire time so that they too can learn to worship God in a proper manner and context.

We show them by example how to publicly worship our living God. That’s what really changes our child’s life.

Our family is our first ministry because it is our first line of responsibility. When it is time to minister to someone truly in need, we are able to do so because we are available, and not already burned out on secondary activities.

Because we are able to, we also enjoy spontaneous opportunities to minister to others through hospitality and visiting.

(added summer 2009: As I update this webpage, I’m realizing that our family’s physical ability to serve in the church has increased over the past couple of years as our children are able to help out with many “to-do’s” like showing hospitality toward widows when we invite them over, acting as greeter at church, helping me with church fellowship hour or child care for other people’s children, cleaning the property on church clean up day, etc. … and because they’ve been raised to love the Lord, they do so cheerfully.)

In our family, we create a schedule that allows time for the deeper questions that come from our children.

Because our day is not overly packed with evening meetings or errands, we are able to reflect and give the full, complex answers they deserve. We know our children the best, the most intimately, and we are the ones who can give the answer most properly suited to each personality and level of understanding. As parents, Christian parents, we are their “quiet time” – their quiet time to help them ponder the meaning of good and evil, and the message God has for us today, and to help them contemplate the full magnitude of God’s personhood.

These moments cannot be substituted by high-powered youth activities.

And should those high-energy activities be too many, we cut them out of our schedule until the pace is slow enough that we can finally hear that still, small voice of our child, and that of the Holy Spirit.